June 2005

Somehow I keep getting the feeling that things are not going to work out with Jared. The more time we spend together the more I feel ike I'm tryiing too hard. I think that because he doesn't have many friends here he wants to spend more time with me. And I keep feeling and repeating out loud that I want to leave this city. I guess the time just doesn't feel right. Jared is a person who has too many rules and preconceptions about life and love. Also, I feel like I'm not fulfilling my destiny, as corny as that sounds. I feel like I'm flailing around in life and I think that I'm spending too much time with Jared and talking to him too much about my life, my feelings, my soul. He asks me to do that, but I don't think he can take it. i don't feel like he's someone who can really be there for another person. I see how he treats his friends. When they have a problem, sometimes he doesn't even answer his phone. I think their problems reflect his own fears. So he doesn't want to see his own weakness in others.

Jared is going for a couple of days to NY to visit some friends. I guess we'll talk about some stuff when he comes back. I just feel like i'm being naive about being friends with him. I know he'll hurt me. I think he has to do that to people. Without knowing it, he's told me so much about himself just through how he behaves with others. How he treats his friends. It's like he becomes infatuated and then has to push them away when they make him feel too human, too attached.

I think that I like him too much. I guess after breaking up with julian I'm looking for a connection. Because I don't knw where I'm going, I don't seem to be able to jog myslef out of the rut I'm in. Inside, i feel like I'm falling apart. And maybe I lean too much on the wrong people.

I guess I thought that we could have fun together, but he seems to be too neurotic to just have fun, to be casual. He's older than me, that might have soomething to do with it. He talks sometimes about wanting to get married and have kids someday. Frankly, that's a few years off for me. I need to live. I was trapped in a bad relationship for years and I need to find myself again, get my confidence back, feel whole on my own.

Tim calls all the time. Another person who thinks he can find himself in someone else. He is way too infatuated with me and I'm too flattered at this point. Also because I know my time is drawing to a close with Jared.