January 2005

Today I went to the Zine Fair with Sean. I don't think I really like him. He drinks too much and becomes annoying at parties. But he doesn't object much when I want to take photos. Last weekend I took some of him and me. I had my top off,which he didn't object to, but he wouldn't take his clothes off for the camera.

That really pissed me off. I mean, if I publish these photos, I'll be naked in them, too!

Doesn't a woman have more to lose than a man by being naked in photos? I really don't understand that kind of mentality. But maybe I'm being too harsh on him. He doesn't seem to be my type, I only met him two months ago because he's roomates with this guy I went to college with. The thing is, when he reads me his poetry, he totally comes alive. Like he's a different person. And then he stops and the mediocre Sean comes right back.

Well, anyway, I wouldn't have thought about going to the zine fair if I had never met him . And I found something really interesting there. So it's all worth it putting up with Sean.

So, the thing I found is this zine written by a dominatrix who is a masochist. I started reading it and didn't stop until I finished. And now I'm writing to you to try to figure out how I feel about it. Because I feel something about it. Something really strong. And it's made me think about a lot of things that I haven't thought about in a long time, and in a different way, too.

Okay, so, what do I feel? I'm not sure, actually I am. I felt very close to this woman. I did. I really connected with what she's saying. Because I do lots of things to the men I date, and it's not satisfying. But I'm getting ahead of myself. In the zine she talks about how she became a dominatrix. It came easily to her, because she did things like that to her boyfriend. But when she started working at the dungeon, she began to realize that she wanted these things done to her. That the thought of it really turned her on. So she went home and that night,before making love to her boyfriend, she told him she wanted him to spank her. And he gave her a funny look and completely rejected her request. I was, like, fuck! This totally sounds familiar!!! And what's more, her boyfriend got really mad at her and called her a slut and all sorts of bad things. Okay, doesn't that sound familiar?!?! I remember when I was in college and I told Patrick to hit me across the face when we were making love. If you can call what he did making love, more like animal thrusting...Anyway, he freaked! I mean, he did it a couple of times and then freaked out. I guess that he thought he couldn't hit a woman. But I asked him to do it. At the time, I really had no clue why I had asked him to do it. I think his dad used to beat up his mom or something. But this was different, I asked for it. But maybe that's the problem he had with the whole thing in the first place, I asked for it. He was so mean. He called me a bitch and a slut for making him do it. I thought he was going to hit me for real, he was so mad. Needless to say, I never asked him or anyone again.

Continued on page two...