August 2005

Tim calls all the time. he finally convinced me to go to South America. My flight is for September 6th. I think I need to get out of myself. He had happened to call on a day where I was not feeling very chipper, to put it mildly. I hadn't gotten dressed or bathed. I put on a trench coat over my naked body and walked down the street to the movie theatre and watched three movies in a row. the guy at the ticket counter could clearly imagine that I had no clothes on underneath and gave me a big discount. Either that or I looked pathetic. Coincidentally, I got a call from an old boyfriend from high school. One that really fucked with my head. So i told him I was oing to come out and visit him in Woodstock, where he's living now. I wonder how that will be. If I try too hard to get closure on that will it happen? I will try to act casual.

August 2005

So I visited Patrick, my boyfriend from college. I drove out to Woodstock and we had lunch. Then we went to the zoo. That was funny and weird at the same time. I saw lots of animals with enormous testicles.

I tried to talk with Patrick about our relationship. About how I thought it had sadomasochistic elements. He really didn't want to talk about it, so we just smoked a joint and talked about his new Jasmine plant. I made him listen to some new music I had. He thought it was pretty good. We always liked the same weird music.

For some reason, as I was driving back I felt this relief wash over me. I had finally gotten the closer on a part of my life that I had needed. Especially after Julian, because he was mixed up in it. I feel like I can leave this country now. I am really excited it will be a change from where I have lived before. Living in France for a few years wasn't much different from living in the US. I'm hoping I will be shocked.