January 15th.

JJ is "wrapping up" the editing, soon we'll go to New York to do some lab work and then Europe ... I'm looking forward to that. It's been a while since I've been home. So much has changed in me, so much has happened to me, my life is so completely different that I don't recognize myself from the person I was before. Back then I thought I was open minded and daring, I even did things wildly, carelessly, running risks. Now I see back and I see this immature girl, growing up fast, too fast, almost as if time was running ahead of me and I had to catch up.

Now I see myself very mature in ways I didn't suspect I would be. I see the last few months as powerful, life changing ... I discovered something in me that I knew it was there but I didn't know what it was, ... until now. I owe it to JJ and his weird lifestyle.

The word sadism has a new meaning for me. I'm so tired today ... and a bit bored.

January 18th

JJ whipped me. He came home from work with a strange look in his eyes. I was preparing a salad in the kitchen for us. He cooks, I don't know how to cook ... but he cooks only on Sundays and some evenings. We have a maid who comes every morning to clean the house and to cook. We also have a gardener and a helper for the house chores. It's necessary here, the house is big and the time to do things is short, so it's convenient. So JJ called from the post production office and told me he was going to cook. I told him I was going to make a salad.

He arrived home earlier than usual. He usually arrives at midnight or two in the morning ... there were times when he just simply arrived at 9 in the morning, took a shower, changed clothes and off again. Now, surprisingly enough, he was home at six in the afternoon. He had a bottle of rum and flowers for me. He's attentive some times.

He walked in the door and met me half way, I was running down the stairs to meet him. He was excited and eager... and I saw his eyes... he looked wild, there was a faint smell coming out of him, the same kind I felt that time in the tropics when I wanted him to fuck me and he didn't. Now I recognize it ... it's the smell of his desire, when it's so strong that you just can't avoid it. I knew, the minute he kissed me that we were going to fuck right then.

He held me in a hug, kissing me for a long time, while he undid my bra and unzipped my pants ... my blouse was already over my head. He lifted me up ... I jumped up and wrapped my legs around his waist, and then he carried me up to our private dungeon. It was an attic room before, now it is where he tortures me now and then.

I wasn't in the mood for suffering ... I just wanted to open my legs and let him come inside me and roll on the floor ... just like regular people do it ... like I used to do it.

He wasn't going to have any of that. His eyes told me that much. Still attached to him we went into the place, which was bare, except by the ropes and chains that now are always propped up. As we kissed he made me raise my arms open to the ropes hanging. I wrapped them around my wrists, he didn't have to tie me. He lowered my legs, then I noticed that I was too high, my legs were barely touching the floor. He opened my legs and stuck his fingers inside me ... The way he touched me made me wet fast. Now I wanted him to enter me, or whip me or whatever, as long as he got in me fast.

He was taking his time, undressing me, caressing me and then whipping me. He struck me a few times ... and then, finally, he entered me and I think he had been excited long before he came home, because he was so fucking thick ... I didn't know until then that it can get thicker, bigger than it's usual size if the excitement is too strong. I felt him grow more when he was scratching my back with his nails. We were passionate but fast, very fast, we came together laughing.