| June
25th.
We had some party. Actually I
think I was flirting a lot with Jan. Why am I so
attracted to him? He's too old for me and he has
Margot... although Margot didn't seem to mind that
I was flirting with her boyfriend. We got drunk by the bonfire.
We were at a friend of Jan's cabin
in the rain forrest. They have horses
there. No toilets, we had to go to a rustic latrine,
actually a hole in the ground behind some bushes.
The cabin is just a big room with two levels. Lot's
of sleeping bags on top of something that look like
mattresses made out of dry straw wrapped in some
material I can't describe.
There were some other people
there, they had tapes of old rock groups, like Jethro
Tull. A nice bunch of people, but old... in their
late 30s and 40s. I felt like a kid. But I was flirting
a lot, not only with Jan, but with another guy,
just to give Jan some incentive.
At one moment I was so drunk that
I'm not so sure of what happened. I remember being
by Jan and Margot, talking my head off in French,
when someone was a bit upset because I was leaving
him out of the conversation... Jan told him to mind
his own business so he left, that's when I think
I fell on Jan's lap.
Next thing I know he's caressing
my hair and my shoulders. I was half conscious,
but very happy to be touched like that. I fell sleep.
When I woke up I was sleeping next to Margot. Jan
was walking out there, setting up a fire to make
breakfast. He asked if I wanted coffee.
We sat facing the valley below
having coffee. Margot was sleeping. That's when
Jan said that he liked me very much and he would
love to have me in his movie. I was thrilled but
I didn't want to show it. He said that there was
a part for me. I wanted to kiss him. In fact I think
we both felt the same thing, I think he wanted to
make love to me at that moment, I wanted him to,
but he didn't do anything, he just sat there, having
his coffee and holding down his groin. I was wet
and ready, my hands were trembling, but nothing
happened, I just said that I was cold. He put his
arm around my shoulders and I wanted to die. I think
he wanted to die too, I could feel his desire in
his hand, like a rush of energy passing from his
body to mine. He then asked the strangest question;
what did I think of the cross... just like that,
the cross. I must give him an answer today. I don't
know what to say...
What does he mean by that. Is
this some kind of test before the audition?
| (Wondering
what to do above the sultry clouds) |
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