| June
26th
I saw George today, he's sore at me because
I let him down. He still wants to get together
with me. I promised him we'll go to the river
tomorrow.
Last night I had what I consider a life changing
experience. I was dying of fright, I had to come
up with an answer to Jan's question. We met for
dinner at the restaurant.
With Margot at his side he looked into my
eyes and said: "Before you answer I want you to
look into Margot's eyes". I was wondering what
he meant. I looked at Margot's eyeballs, my eyes
kept feeling uneasy I couldn' hold her gaze. She
was looking at me straight, her eyes were in place,
she was making me nervous.
He then said to me "What did you do?" I answered.
"I looked into her eyes". "And then? " he smiled.
"Then, I was nervous". He wanted to know what
made me nervous. "The way she looked at me..."
- I said. "Ok, tomorrow I'll tell you something,
now, I want your answer about what does the cross
makes you think about".
After the first event with Margot's eyes
I was even less ready to answer, so I came up
with the first thing that came to my mind. "Christ".
"Typical", he said, "...just a typical
answer, don't you think?"
I felt foolish but I didn't know why, isn't
it true, that the first thing that people will
say when they are asked about a cross is Christ?
He didn't laugh at me, he only said "Typical".
Today he will tell me the results of my test,
or whatever it is that he did with me last night.
June 27th
I love him.
June 28th
I'm going back to the city with them, I'll
stay in their house for a while. 
I will have a few acting lessons before my
audition. That was the reason for the test.
He told me that what I did when I looked
into Margot's eyes was normal, I tried to lock
my eyeballs to hers, both at the same time, which
is impossible, you can't see both eyeballs at
the same time ... and then my reaction to the
question of the cross was also normal. In both
cases I was doing what anyone would do... anyone
who is not trained to act, and who does not use
his or her imagination too often.
That's how he found out I never had acting
lessons and I never heard of the word subtext.
I'm falling in love with him.
June 30th
I'm living in the city, surrounded by mountains
and sleeping on the only bed in the house, with
Jan and Margot.
It's quite peaceful. Very innocent. They
sleep like brother and sister... He sleeps in
the middle. Sometimes I think he's looking at
me, but I'm afraid to turn around and face him.
I'm afraid of what I will find. And if I do, would
I make love to him while Margot is sleeping next
to us?
My acting lessons began. Lesson one: Play
dead, like a puppy. Just lay there and try not
to move your eyelids.
It's hard. Before playind dead I had to be
a puppy, a real one, barking, bitting shoes, peeing
on the carpet, everything a puppy does.
I was spanked with a newspaper for my naughty
deeds. I had to be a scared puppy, but eager to
please.
Do puppies enjoy being spanked? Some of them?
This puppy did, and a lot. I felt like grabbing
Jan's leg and rub against it, puppy style. I threw
myself at his feet, I think he liked that.
|
