October 20th.

We are back in the city after a terrifying vacation ... and what a vacation it was. Jan will now concentrate in editing the film and I think we are all going to be left on our own. Margot wont be back for a while so I'll spend some time with Natasha, we're good friends now. She's into old music, like the Doors, Led Zeppelin ... I like it too but not the way she does, she's living that time and I think Jan and a couple of the other actors, all looking like hippies from the 60's, help her live that experience.

I've been feeling alone without the constant attention I was receiving the last few months. I go to the editing room sometimes to see how it's going, but Jan doesn't want anyone to see the work until he get's a rough cut ... then we'll all see. He spends all of his free time with me. He hasn't mentioned the work, the one we are planning, for a while, I think he's avoiding it, he did go a bit too far with the thorns, I think, but at the same time there was something poetic about it.

I still remember the thorns .... there are still a couple of tiny marks on my belly that remind me of them.

After he flooged me that first time in the cabin, he took me down from my suffering and up to the second level where we made love, he was wild then.

I had fun just looking at Jan's face after we made love. He was not the same as earlier in the day. He was quiet, kind and hungry for a nice savage dinner, lot's of raw meat. I had to take a bath, but we were not home, or at a hotel. We had a bucket and a water hole outside the cabin.

I went out, naked, full of bloody marks ... and outside there was a kid, a peasant kid, who saw me, naked, bleeding... I screamed.. he screamed and went away running as if he saw a ghost.

Jan came out to see what the hollering was and had a good laugh. He went to get the water and came back to wash my wounds.

It was nice and sunny. The water run down my naked body, a small red river formed at my feet and rolled down the hill. I felt the breeze, I felt his hands, holding the soap. caressing my body... it was so nice, we were so hot ... we had to make love.

That evening, after we ate and were going to 'bed' we made love again and he then talked to me.

He made a circle of candles around our "bed". I was almost naked, a had a sleeveless t-shirt on... actually a man's undershirt. he told me to lay down on the mattress while lowering the t-shirt to my waist, exposing my breasts. "No whipping" he said.

He sat by my side, caressing my breast and kissing me and slowly placing my arms out, forming a cross.

"Stay with your arms opened..." he said and took a thin rope out of the bag and tied my wrists to the ends of the planks. He then put my feet together and tied them too, while kissing me at every move he made. I was willing to go on but I didn't know where we were going.