We had one more rehearsal today. Jan said it would be the last because we are going to shoot soon.

We repeated the same scene as before, he just didn't 'nail' me again. I teased him from the beginning. I went in the set with my ass showing, directly to the ropes. I put myself there, I was showing him that I had no fear.

He beat me wildly while ripping the rags off my body. He ended when I was naked and hanging. I did not have to wonder what would come next.

We fucked, of course, like wild beasts again, he wanted me to be in character, he was making love to me as if it was the last time.

He untied me, lowering my inert body to the floor. My eyes remained open. (His lesson was beginning to work, I kept my eyelids as still as I could for as long as I could.

He took the camera and moved closer to my face to get the magic close up of my dead eyes. "Good", he said and I relaxed and exhaled, I smiled.

He looked sad and I didn't know why, maybe there's something I don't know. Maybe he thinks it's the end of our affair, maybe he was making love to me just to make me love him during this time.

Is he going to break up with me?

July 29th

I woke up this morning feeling dizzy. I told Margot I didn't want to rehearse or anything. My body was hurting. I didn't make love for the last two nights.

Jan was nice enough not to insist. It's very strange to sleep with Margot next to us. She hugs him in the middle of the night, and the night I was tortured, I was so tired I went to bed just as I was, full of whipping marks... sweaty. Jan came to bed much later, he's working on a script with Margot ... they have that together... what do I have with him?

I was half sleeping but I felt him coming into the bed and press his body against mine, touching me lightly, perhaps afraid that I would wake up. He knew I was in pain and very, very tired.

I was aware when Margot came to the bed, I heard them talk... I dozed off, completely. Then I dreamt the strangest dream. I was hanging from the beam, my wrists were bleeding and Jan was whipping me, I was naked.

Then Margot came into the dungeon (I call it that now) and took the whip herself and began whipping me. Jan was watching me. And then they left me hanging there, bleeding, and made love as I twisted in pain. I was dreaming, I knew, I even told myself that it was a dream ... but at the same time I have the impression that they made love next to me, while I was sleeping. Perhaps Jan was so horny after torturing me that he couldn't resist Margot's ass next to him.

Am I jealous?

July 30th

Something strange happened today. I was resting after a class we had ... more than a class it was a group reading of the script, we are going to shoot soon. Jan came into our room and told me something that I can't remember, but it triggered something in me. I begun to cry uncontrollably ... I was telling him that Margot was like my sister and that I didn't like the idea he was seducing her.

He just looked at me perplexed. He then kissed me and said that I was too nervous... and that I shouldn't worry too much about Margot and him... and that he finally put a face to his fantasies ... and it was mine.

He said that it didn't matter with how many women he slept from now on... he'll picture me hanging like I was, he'll picture my body, my face, my moans ...

Have I become a fantasy?

 

(A later visit to the same pool)