|
November
1st
We are going to see one part of the film tomorrow,
everybody is excited, they all keep dropping by
to find out how's the work. I'm dying to see it
too.
November 4th
I saw a riot today, lots of people rioting
near the presidential palace ... the police threw
tear gas, I was very near to the place. I run down
a street when the cloud of gas was nearing us (I
was with Natasha) we ran into a store just before
they closed the doors. There were other people seeking
refuge there too, amongst them a little girl who
was crying a lot because her eyes were hurting ...
mine were killing me, it was awful... we heard the
screams of the crowds and the shots of the tear
gas guns. It was going to be a while before we left
the place. I called home to let them know I was
going to be very late. There was a meeting to analyze
the work and I was afraid I was going to miss it.
I didn't. We saw a few scenes of the movie.
It's very, very interesting to see oneself in a
movie. Sometimes I felt like I was seeing someone
else. It was a very exciting experience for everyone.
Most of the actors worked on a film for the first
time in their life, they were all students in Jan's
acting class ... they were all very much afraid
of the results but they are happy and relieved now.
We have to wait a while to see how audiences will
react.
November 15th
Jan promised we'll go to France after Christmas.
I wish we would go before but he's working so we
can't ... I asked myself, why can't I go alone first?
...
November 17th
I mentioned my idea to Jan. He said that he
wants to spend some time with me in New York before
Paris... then I can go to Paris alone and wait for
him. We'll work in New York for a few days. I wonder
how Margot will feel. I think she was thinking of
going to New York with him.
November 20th
Today I had to do some thinking ... during
all the rehearsals Jan had a camera working, so
there's a lot of material with me naked and tortured.
I'm wondering what's going to happen with all that
material.. ... Maybe I wouldn't like if somebody
would see it. I'll ask Jan what he plans to do with
it.
November 27th
I had a long conversation with Jan about the
videos. He showed them to me. They are terrible...
so bloody. If I drop dead and somebody finds them
... he would be in trouble. It's a joke... they
are very violent ... but the violence stops when
I complain... and then it looks very funny, because
we discuss my pain and my desire to inflict him
some pain, well deserved pain.
During our discussion Jan asked me how I felt
about this... did I like it?
I had to think a bit, because actually I wasn't
sure about how I felt. Did I like it ... sure I
did... it's very exciting to be in control while
being totally defenseless. I feel protected while
I feel afraid. I feel excited while I feel sick.
I feel sexy when I'm feeling like I should be humiliated.
When I'm hanging, tied up and whipped all over
... and he rips away whatever clothing is left on
me ... I feel the power I have over him. I know
that at that moment he's mine completely. It's strange
to feel this way. I'm permitting him to do it and
I know that the minute I feel like stopping this
I can. That's what I mean by power.
But I didn't say all that ... I only said that
I like it and that it excites me. In fact, while
we watched the video I noticed that I was getting
wet ... I felt him and he had a very nice erection
... so I opened his fly and pulled the ugly thing
out. He began to touch me. We masturbated each other
for a while ... but we had to make love ... We left
the video on but at one point we didn't see anything
anymore, we were totally into our lovemaking.
He said something nice when we were done...
and I think is the truth ... "You gave a face to
my fantasies... now whenever I make love to anybody
at all, your face will be in my mind..." I believe
him.
|
